Time off in lieu of divorce: a new approach to solving the problem

August 30, 2016

It is almost unnoticed in the mass of broken marriages, but often people begin to live again together after the official divorce. Should hurry with the divorce?

According to statistics, a family of psychologists, 22% of divorced couples regret the breakup after some time. Some of them decides to return to the relationship. Sometimes people re-converge after many years. Sometimes they do it more than once.

What happens? You have a chance to escape from the routine and enjoy the solitude, or a new relationship. You have the opportunity to reevaluate your claim to the partner and to yourself and some time to defend its position, but simply to live.

Often the couple parted then recognized each other: “you Know, if not this little thing, you’d be a better husband/ would have been a better wife.” When you have time to think, the other that you were irritated each other, and what attracted.

Now in family therapy is becoming a popular idea of the marital home, when people take a big pause in relations to reconsider your marriage. This can be a period from one month to one year. Here’s what to tell the couple who have tried a vacation from each other instead of divorce:

“We have reached a point when I wasn’t hopelessly miserable, but happy I was too. I became unbearably boring. I have tried a variety of ways to spice up our marriage, it was all in vain. I was seriously thinking about divorce,” says B., a writer from the UK.

“I’m 48 years old, teenagers are rather independent. Husband on the farm is also quite able to handle. I decided to go to another city, take a month and a half apartment and work on my book alone.”

Work?

“Yes, of course. The first three weeks it was fantastic, but then I started to miss family. The only thing that helped me is that I’m still going to come back. So, you know, it’s nice to understand that you are waiting for a home.”

How the husband reacted to this idea?

“I will not say that he was delighted. But since the alternative was a full divorce, he had to agree.”

How was your return?

“Children and the husband was a bit cross with me. But I received a long-awaited taste of freedom and now live with the feeling that I can at any time afford it again. This is a very cool free from inner burden, “I should.” Despite the resentment, we all were very happy to meet again”.

“When we again began to live together, relations have improved. We began to receive more pleasure from each other’s company. Decide whether leave my problems? Not all of them. But he gave me the strength to calmly resolve them. I now know that I have my space and my time, where I can always hide. It’s great. My relatives know it and now they have no desire unduly to annoy me.”

The idea of the marital home belongs to Cheryl Jarvis, American journalist, wrote a book, “Marital vacation” about his personal experience and that of about 50 of her friends women.

The main idea of this vacation: to regain a sense of themselves and their identity. Who am I? What I really want? Much has been written about midlife crisis in men. Society, if not respect, then understanding for the male vzbryki “was the stuff of life, I want to find myself.” Women traditionally refuse this inalienable right to be left alone.

And if men often tend to ruin long standing relations for a simple whim, the women are horrified by the thought of change. We assume the responsibility for family, children, life, stability, so the whole idea is to live for yourself seems blasphemous.

The marital vacation is addressing the issue gently and reversible. You are destroying this family. You just take a long holiday from the family. You are always free to return home. Most of the women who had gone on a family vacation back. But even if not, it’s not that terrible tragedy.

In today’s world, even the education of children does not imply that parents living together. Family therapists notice that more and more divorced couples peacefully and raise their children together, while living apart.

What kind of example are we setting for our children if we take a vacation from each other?

First, an example that every person has the right to personal space. That family is not a prison from which you cannot leave under any circumstances until you have children.

Especially important is the idea of a break from each other when you retire. With age, the irritability of many is growing, and it sometimes becomes too much.
Divorce means division of property and often the General section friends. When spousal leave is necessary.

Rachel, age 45, married 18 years:

“I regularly “escaping” from her husband. Of course I love him, but sometimes it is just boring. He was a homebody, and I’m not. Our children grew up. So often the holidays we spend in our separate from each other companies. The fact that you love each other and married doesn’t mean you are chained by the legs with chains.Now, looking back, I’m glad I divorced him. Overall, he’s wonderful. We have kept family and we get along perfectly. I call it “vacation”? No, but who cares how to call it?”

How to understand whether your pair on vacation?

If you have a vague feeling that in your relationship something is wrong, but not enough to immediately break off relations.

How to do it?

Talk with a partner. It doesn’t have to be moving with all things. For a getaway it is best to choose a friends house or a rented apartment. To get home can be fraught for a relationship, if your parents are conservative people. But sometimes it’s way out.

Take any project, arrange for training at work, always dreamed. If you require a formal excuse for a family vacation, talk to a family therapist, let this idea sounds out of his mouth.

WHAT will my partner feel?

Like all men — disappointment. In most cases it makes sense to separately discuss the issue of fidelity. You are not going to find a new partner, and to understand yourself and take a break from the old. If your sabbatical short-term, the promise of celibacy will calm the vast majority of men. But you must be honest with yourself, will you keep that promise, how it binds you, or, conversely, free. You decide.

What will happen after his return?

Know it is up to you. You may find that your feelings have flashed with new force, or that they remained as dull and get bored with this man. Be ready for any emotions.

On materials telegraph

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