Ten mistakes in the upbringing of a teenager

November 29, 2016

Your little one becomes in the eyes of an adult who is at the same time and needs support, and not always willing to admit it. How to learn to be patient and understanding parent, says Maria Zavalishina, consultant of the psychological centre “the Crossroads”.

The inconsistency of the behavior and attitudes of a teenager to the parents becomes a challenge for many. In this period of growing up parents accept as a good and bad decisions related to the upbringing of their child. It is important to understand that errors will be – this is normal, they are not fatal and will not spoil your relationship with the child. They just create new situations that you have to cope with.

You insist on frankness

HOW IT LOOKS

You notice that the child began to shield himself from you, he had secrets: some things he tells his friends, but does not allow for this you. You feel so far away, losing control and closeness to the child – and begin to insist that the teenager was more open, more trusted, consulted and discussed their Affairs. You want to be the closest and most important person, a friend for your son or daughter.

The situation and the whole life of a teenager has changed: her parents are really important people, but at the same time, comes the need to build close relationships with peers. Teens need to feel their independence, rely on their own opinion.

The consequences

The more you press down on the teenager, insisting on his sincerity or persuade him to become your best friend, the more he begins from you to close and protect the personal space. He finds various ways to avoid intimacy, keep their secrets, and distance, sometimes cheating. You is beginning to worry even more – and this only increased the pressure, which in turn leads to more severe opposition from the teenager. And so the circle closes.

Another possible scenario: in response to the closeness of the teenager’s parents begin to behave symmetrically – suspended from resentment. The teenager, seeing the decidedly cool attitude of parents, feels unnecessary, unimportant family.

Our advice

Create an atmosphere that will help the teenager to make sure parents are nearby, ready to take him when he is ready. Tell him that you do not insist on its openness, but always there and will listen. But it’s a two-way process: the credibility of the parents requires a lot of trust from their parents.

You ignore the opinion of a teenager

How it looks

You often offer your child something, but if you understand in advance what he wants: for example, soup, or a warm hat, or some good advice. And when he refuses, just ignore his refusal. Because you somehow know better, and you are sure that if he tries the soup, be sure to understand your mind and then you’ll thank me.

The consequences

The child behaves aggressively, can answer roughly. The parent is offended, there is a conflict. Or the child is amenable to persuasion and your persistence, and at some point loses the ability to make decisions for themselves, expecting from others, they will do it for him.

Our advice

Maintain the initiative and independence of a teenager, with attention to his wishes, but don’t try to predict. Sometimes parents need to step back and trust the opinion of a teenager: if he says he doesn’t want, then most likely he does not want. It is important to give your child the opportunity to get your own experience: even if he refuses something obviously good or useful, he will find it!

You violate personal space

How it looks

Out of a desire to protect the child from possible dangers parents can start to check his pockets, bag, and correspondence. It may seem that this is the only method to learn something about your child, especially in some exciting or risky situation.

The consequences

By doing so, you devalue the personal space of a teenager, and he’s just beginning to try to deal with it. This greatly undermines their confidence as parents and to himself.

Our advice

Imagine the reverse situation: your teen will either overtly or covertly to invade the personal space or the secrets of the parents. Of course, it is unpleasant! Control is certainly needed, this is an important function of the parent and child will learn from the relationships that are accepted in the family. Well, when this control becomes the result of an open and honest understanding between parent and child.

You are always consistent

How it looks

Sometimes, trying to achieve the desired (so the child cleaned up or studied hard), parents resort to unrealistic promises or threats. For example, you promise to pick up the teenager from the camp at short notice if he don’t like it, or threaten to send him to boarding school, if you find that it started Smoking.

The consequences

Teenagers are very categorical attitude to any promises, pleasant or not, and count on their execution. In the case when they meet with unfulfilled promises, they gradually just stop believing them. And then the parents become for teenager men who speak empty words, which are not worth considering, from relationships, losing trust, making it difficult to conclude any agreements with the teenager in the future.

Our advice

It is important to refrain from clearly unrealistic threats like “kicked out of the house.” It’s not easy: typically these things we say, experiencing intense anger and impotence. Unrealistic promises are usually given when it is important to get the child immediate consent without regard for the possible development of the event in the future. Think carefully about the promises of a teenager and be ready to execute them.

You are unpredictable in their manifestations of kindness and anger

How it looks

It happens that our senses are delayed. We can long endure unpleasant or irritating behavior of a close person from the desire to be with them gently. Accumulated thus irritation may manifest itself in a sudden and unexpected for a teenager action: harsh words, severe punishment. A similar story occurs with the accumulation of feelings of guilt or embarrassment to your child. All the people somehow sometimes do things that you later regret. Parents usually regret it especially hard when they are hurt or injured your child. For example, pausing a long time at work or depriving the teenager of his attention for some other reason, parents accumulate unexpressed feelings of guilt, which then finds an outlet in the form of gifts, favors, cancellation penalties or cancellation of the duties.

The consequences

Parents begin to seem the child is unreliable and unpredictable. As a consequence, the child appears unrealistic fear of punishment when minor errors suddenly followed by a hard impact or, conversely, a sense of permissiveness.

Our advice

Important the courage to admit his guilt, the ability to sincerely apologize – that children learn, primarily, in the family, from their parents. But such skills are very useful in life!

You have vague requirements

How it looks

Parents usually want their children to get the best: that they learn better communicated. Often this desire dressed in are not too clear wording such as “behave yourself”, “learn better”, “get normal friends”, “be a good person.” It is important to understand that although on the level of common sense teenagers and can understand such a requirement, but at the level of their implementation it is very difficult to meet these requirements, because the criteria are quite blurred.

The consequences

Teenager becomes unclear what he should do, what he should strive for. This leads to a divergence of views between adolescents and parents: first believe that you already comply with the requirements in full, and second, that there is always something to strive for. Conflicts on this basis can be lengthy.

Our advice

To conclude arrangements with the child’s parents is important very accurate and detailed picture of what they want and to learn as accurately and in detail to talk about it. For example, “behave yourself” can mean both “clean your room this week”, “do not bring home friends without warning” and “don’t start Smoking before the age of eighteen”. And “learn better” – “finish this quarter with straight a’s”, “try to finish this quarter without deuces” or “fix the math score this week”.

You hope for your understanding and expect empathy

How it looks

Do you believe that a teenager “he needs to understand everything”, so don’t set the rules. Yes, teenagers are really well aware of many things – but in their own way. The difficulty arises in that moment, when detected by the divergence of points of view. Submission of a teenager can vary greatly from the parent, because they depend on his unique personal experience, developmental tasks and social situations in which it is located. Often it is also assumed that the teenager needs to empathize and sympathize with parents who faced difficulties in his upbringing. But teenagers are not usually able to provide this kind of support, at this age, like they still not able to do – and do not need. Sometimes the request for empathy for parents trying to achieve: that the child is better trained to not upset parents.

The consequences

The result is a lot of irritation to each other, the relationship becomes strained. Often teenagers resent more not themselves expressed your expectations, and their shape, the idea of obligation. And the child who is charged with the difficult task of “understanding” parent, begins to feel guilt and powerlessness, becomes closed, distant.

Our advice

This difficulty may be overcome through dialogue and clear agreements. Parents may have a little less hope for unconditional understanding from the child and a little more to rely on the honesty and openness of their desires in a relationship. All thoughts, ideas, suggestions makes sense to say out loud and discuss to ensure that both the teen and parent understand them equally. For emotional support, better to turn to adults. In addition, in order to achieve the desired child, clearly indicate the damage or consequences which happened as a result of unwanted behavior. Instead of: “I hate your dirty shoes,” say, “With your boots natekla puddle, wipe it off”.

You discount the feelings of a teenager

How it looks

The child tells about something important to him about their experiences, perhaps related to relationships. Parents do not attach any importance to this and say that this problem is not worth attention, or dismiss the conversation, citing fatigue. You can also pay attention to the fears or concerns of the child, or in those moments when he needs support, you reject it or make fun of. Sometimes it happens that parents reduce the importance of the feelings of a teenager, desiring to support it: teenage love you may find it frivolous and fleeting, and for a teenager this feeling is present and very strong.

The CONSEQUENCES

The child feels rejected and removed, closes even stronger. Or starts to protest against parent, and to behave aggressively.

OUR ADVICE

Teenagers are prone to dramatize everything, and sometimes parents should reduce the intensity of emotions. But it is important to do so with respect for those feelings which he is experiencing. Try to take seriously the experiences, inform the child that he is understood and accepted that his feelings are important that you can look at this situation from the other side. This should be done delicately and gently. This increases trust and openness between you.

You live the life of a child

HOW IT LOOKS

Of course, the child always takes the main place in life of the parents, but it happens that the lives of moms and dads becoming completely focused on him, his problems, and needs. The CONSEQUENCES

Parent becomes so immersed in the resolution of problems of the child that his own life begins to fade. A child, watching the dismissive attitude of parents to themselves, and gradually losing their own interest in them. This situation is dangerous and the gradual depletion: wasting all the energy, without any support and outside support, parents may be exhausted, which is necessary for building a relationship with the child.

OUR ADVICE

Be attentive to your own life. Connect with friends, find Hobbies, and other resources for recuperation and enjoyment from life. The parent becomes only more attractive for a teenager: he begins to be a living person with whom you want to talk and be near.

You say, “We weren’t”

HOW IT LOOKS

You find it difficult to accept the outbreak of the adolescent crisis. Children show protest behavior, aggression, desire to step back, and you can’t adapt to new circumstances, to believe that it’s okay and that you had once been something like this happens.

The CONSEQUENCES

You find it difficult to accept your child, because you sincerely believe that it needs to develop as well as develop you, to respond to events as well.

OUR ADVICE

It is important to be able to step back from their experience. The world has changed, and in the course of teenage crisis has also changed. Try to learn to accept your child as a separate, independent personality.

Maria Vasilyeva

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