Family therapist, has written an open letter to couples who come to counseling.
“The first time a couple comes to counseling, for me important is only 10 minutes in the beginning. They determine, I will be able to help you, or you are just wasting your time and money.
In those 10 minutes it becomes clear why you have come. You either come to help each other to understand the problem, or to put the blame on your partner.
In the second case, the therapy is powerless.
The signs of toxic relationships that are not destined to develop the way you treat each other. If you accuse your spouse of all mortal sins, from the moment of birth. If you namesname each other and want to present yourself to your therapist in a better light than a partner — you have the wrong door.
During the first consultation, I always ask what goal you want to achieve in therapy? And does not require special insight, even though you don’t say it right, to understand when you need something to PROVE this Negombo that you came along.
I always ask what difficulties arise for you in the relationship. If each partner does not recognize for even a microscopic share of guilt, personal responsibility, and will continue to blame everything on the other — you’re hopeless.
I’m just saying that you should contact a divorce lawyer, if you have no trust in each other.
“I know he’s been cheating on me since the wedding!”
“I have seen her correspondence with others!”
“You always lie to me! No, you always lie to me!”
These are typical expressions of hopeless couples.
You are too passionate about the experience your drama of soap Opera to notice things around you. I’m every time happy when this series is not involved the child. When it comes to families with children, I have to look for solutions more difficult.
When I realize that constantly in the pair is mutually beating each other, I do not propose to tolerate, and to divorce and to take courses on anger management.
On the other side of emotion is indifference. You don’t fight, you argue, you simply do not feel each other absolutely no feelings. Point of no return is passed.
“We are just holding a baby and nothing more”.
“I donít care what she thinks about all this”.
“We have nothing to talk about. The point of that?”
In these cases, I suggest that couples the homework assignment, which will show whether they make sense for something to fight. It must be a letter, written on behalf of not you and your spouse.
For example, the husband writes his wife: “I often deny my husband sex because… Because I hate how indifferent he was to do it.” This exercise allows you to get into the skin of another person and wonder what he feels about you.
If you are not able to perform this exercise, you will not be able to make any psychotherapist. To feel and understand the partner — the main condition for any kind of life together.
If the couple is not hopeless, I gradually teach them the basic things: the ability to listen and empathize with each other, and the ability to hold back the tantrum and the ability to encourage each other and not flushing.
Your spouse is not a doormat for wiping your feet, however, as you don’t have to be this subject.
Each pair needs a sense of dignity. Everyone needs to be able to admit guilt and ask for forgiveness when required.
But if a couple comes to therapy only in order to assert themselves at the expense of the other, I just tell them that nothing will be able to help.
“You can play in therapy with another specialist, but not with me, sorry.”