How to raise husband from the couch? The real questions of readers and answers of a psychologist

August 15, 2016

You think that a loved one no longer strive to conquer new heights, does not show initiative, and literally take time off from household chores and joint plans? As to induce him to act? We will work together to find a solution.

What’s wrong with him?

Of course, in a perfect (and hardly existent) family and the husband and wife immediately fulfill requests for each other, always ready for action, with joy and without delay perform all his promises. Unfortunately, the reality is otherwise: many women are concerned about the fact that her husband is already pushing the sofa in a cosy hole.

Before using the “heavy artillery”, find out it is possible for this behavior is the cause. For example, it may be…

  • Fatigue. Periods of lack of energy in any person. If the spouse has six months very busy at work, the last vacation was last summer, and the list of things is growing, most likely his body really needs rest, switch to “save energy”. It’s possible that he just can’t calculate the force: promising to fulfill your request, he hopes to accumulate enough of them, and when it is time to get down to business, out on the contrary. Other symptoms – sleep disorders, General lethargy, apathy, depression.
  • The crisis of middle age. Men experience crisis periods heavier than women, we, by nature are more emotional, unable to draw support to children, loved ones matters, companionship with friends. “Real men” just decided not to complain about each other to life, mood and unwillingness to do something. Perhaps his omission is related to a crucial period: strictly speaking, while he thinks “how to live” calls, “you should!” may seem to him not worth attention, irritating and disempowering.
  • Passive aggression. This psychological concept refers to the behavior in which a person is accustomed to suppress anger and irritation, prefers to shift responsibility to loved ones and to avoid making decisions. Choosing the passive behavior of male, thus, insures against mistakes, wrong choices, the need to defend their point of view and negotiate. Avoiding the “quick” of the conflict, it contributes to the gradual accumulation of tension and the further explosion of emotions. By the way, the risk of a passive aggressor is higher in families where it is not customary to speak openly about their desires, condemned the manifestation of “bad.

The rules of communication

  • Give him responsibility. It is not necessary to assume that the husband is able to do it myself – Yes, there are infantile men who are happy to give you the reins. But and so you likely have enough areas of responsibility, so don’t load on too much.
  • Take care of his feelings. Watch – you may, without noticing it, reacting to most of the proposals my husband with phrases like “No, I think we do differently”? It is unlikely this will help him to be more proactive: because we all often want to hear the approval and support – something like “Yes, great idea!” Learn to show and positive emotions – affection, joy, not only fatigue, irritation and anger.
  • Not in a hurry. Your husband is a grown man, and he has every right to make plans and to set priorities. If the situation is not urgent, be patient, don’t remind him constantly about urgent matters, do not make comments and do not quarrel about this – the scandals will only worsen the situation. If the stumbling block is the position of “promised and not made,” in the end replace the word “promise” with “I intend” or “I’m going”.

Where is the repair?

“Our apartment has long been in need of repair – the Wallpaper away from walls! Husband of three years is going to start, found a team, agreed, then changed his mind, decided to do it myself, then again found a team… I don’t like that I constantly “hammering”, but patience is over!” Catherine, 33 years

Alexander KUZNETSOV, family psychologist: “Sometimes to negotiate with the husband help method called “broken record”. Yes, it is very difficult to keep your balance when you ask, and he does: there is a feeling that you did not put that in. Don’t be afraid to reiterate his request, but you need to add a limit 20 times. Consider requests! The husband replies, for example, “I have no time” – agree and ask when he can return to the discussion. Irritated – calm answer that important question that requires addressing, and as long as you don’t choose you, unfortunately, will not lag behind. The main thing is to do it with a smile, patience, and mental calculation will help you to keep calm!”

I want help!

“I can’t convince my husband to share the household chores. It is not to refuse – no, he agrees, promises, but does not! Let’s assume at least a “male” problem – there’s a flowing faucet, new chandelier is already six months.” Natalia, 29 years

Alexander KUZNETSOV: “For a start I suggest you honestly assess the situation: whether the case is important and urgent? Of course, should continue to insist, if the question is fundamental to family well-being. But, say, if my husband is at work a complex project, but at home in the bathroom burned out one bulb out of five – it can be worrying and just wait until he gets spare time?

Well, to solve the problem, you can try to apply the “grandmother rule” – generally, it works excellent in the education of children, but adults will also be effective. Most of us, frankly, do not like to strain to reach the goal, but if ahead of us is something pleasant, it will be easier to do. For example, say the wife: “Honey, I got us tickets to a great movie, but it is necessary for us to disassemble the balcony, and a shelf to beat. Because in the family people help each other, their interdependence and makes a family stable. Mark the position of the “I will gladly give you what you want, but from you I expect the same willingness to compromise”. In addition, men appreciate the logic: if what you offer really is true, it is unlikely he will deny it.

He can’t hear me

“I think with my husband it is impossible to agree. He just sees no need to listen to me, do what I ask, he nowhere seeks, prefers the computer. Tried to go to a psychologist, but he too is not agree!” Oksana, 30 years

Mikhail LABKOVSKY, a family psychologist: “there are only two Options: either you accept a husband like that and not trying to change it (because you would probably also not like it if you decided to “re-educate”), or change of husband. Otherwise, you will remain in a state of internal conflict. Most likely, he was always like that, and getting married, you could notice it. Love passes, and once the woman realizes that spouse ignores her interests, he doesn’t care about her problems. But you are responsible for your choice, such a situation – a serious occasion to reflect: why do I put up with it? So to the psychologist is better to go without a husband to deal with themselves, their needs, desires, goals. The acceptance of the world as he is, – the condition for a happy family life, but it will take work.”

No support

“My husband and I agreed long ago that give birth to a second child, and now he just avoids the topic. Material no problems, and I find it incredibly important! And he doesn’t need anything. It’s a shame to tears.” Elena, 36 years

Alexander KUZNETSOV: “For such “extreme” cases where nothing is valid, appropriate method is called “strike”.

It works like this: a man comes home from work – dinner is not. Woke up one morning, ironed shirt no. Not familiar things, are gone! And his wife calmly and kindly says, “I have long hesitated to do so, but I want you to hear me, and everything will return as it was.”

Key rules – calm, kindness, firmness. Don’t raise your voice, don’t blame the wife, act aggressive – our strike is peaceful. For it’s not a shirt is important and your attention, tenderness. To bring them back, he will have to return to dialogue.”

It’s time to see a doctor.

“The promises to take care of your health – he’s overweight, and stomach aches. The doctor sits, trying to lose weight, but breaks down on “Goodies”. And begged, and swore, nothing helps”. Marina, 42 years

Alexander KUZNETSOV: “on the one hand, the husband is an adult and is able to be responsible for their health. But, perhaps, he really can not go on the survey, and you are afraid that the consequences could be serious? So literally take the wife by the hand and lead to the clinic. Oddly enough, some men need a “firm hand” – maybe it’s just the fear of doctors? There should be no shouting, no scandals – firmly tell your husband that the time has come to deal with health. If the woman calm and talking about it with a smile, but peremptorily, to refuse, it will be difficult. In the end, say, “this happens to you something terrible, what will I do? Tomorrow we go to the doctor.

Not ambitious?

“Husband several years working in a small firm. I’m sure he can apply for a higher position and a raise, he kind of agrees, but things remain as they are. But I really think that you need to earn more!” Lyudmila, 34

Alexander KUZNETSOV: “Sometimes women are under the impression, perhaps, fairy tales about princes or because of a certain selfishness to regard a husband as a means to meet their own needs. Pay attention to yourself – not about you is it? The position of “he needs me” is a very bad basis for a happy relationship. It is necessary to talk and understand what a man wants actually. Even if the problem is not solved, you will make a huge step towards each other”.

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