A minute ago you were happy and confident that you have the best husband or boyfriend in the whole world, and that everything is falling apart: he was a despicable traitor. And how now to live? How to live, what to do and what not to do in any case, we will tell the therapist Sheri Meyers, author of “Chatter or cheating: how to verify the infidelity, to fix love and protect your relationship from future novels on the side.”
1. Take care of yourself
Once you caught him with another woman, or he admitted the affair, your first reaction is shock. You already don’t trust him and don’t believe in yourself, and your self-esteem fell through the floor. The first thing you need to do at this point is to try to ignore the incident and how to take care of myself. Sleep well, eat well, exercise — it promotes the production of endorphins, hormones of joy that will soften your feelings. Don’t punish yourself with sleepless nights and hunger strike or obyazalovka. Making yourself worse, you will not be punished.
2. Try to take time out
Try not to see him 24-48 hours before you start to discuss the incident: this will allow you to calm down and recover. Also during this time increase the chances that he’ll realize what you’ve done, and feel guilty, and do not immediately begin to defend the principle of “the best defense is a good offense”.
3. Surrender to sorrow
Treason is often compared with the death — it’s the end of your previous relationship, to which you are accustomed. Whenever we suffer losses, our brain is confused. You need time to grieve and accept what happened. Give way to emotions in all possible ways: listen to music, watch movies, read, and you will feel better.
4. Don’t go into the details
You may be tempted to force your partner to describe everything that happened in detail.
Only in one case, you can do it: if you’ve decided to break with the infidels and believe that the sordid details of infidelity will help you to hate him and get rid of it.
If deep down you feel and I hope that you still can get better — stop! Memories of the details of the incident can still chase you even when relations have long come to an end.
5. Do not attempt to return the favor
Of course, you’re angry at him. But that is no reason to call your ex or find someone at a bar and quickly have sex with him in retaliation. It will not change the fact that your man cheated on you, and most likely you will feel worse.
6. Pull yourself together, daughter of a samurai
Although you almost anything can’t think, except his infidelity, try to stop yourself and not get carried away with thinking about “what if”, “it is my fault”, etc, what do you think about it, can and will be used against you by your brain to make you feel even more miserable. Call a friend, jog in the Park — at any price take a break from painful reflection.
7. Make sure that he is ready to fix it
If you decide to reconcile, make sure that he broke all ties with the woman that cheated on you that he takes responsibility for what happened and doesn’t blame you and that he is ready to do anything to regain your trust. Only then you two can start “repairing” their relationship.
8. Try again to learn to trust
Without trust, love is not may be considered. But if people have lost it — to earn it the old relationship will again be not so easy. Until your relationship is on the repair, the offending character will have to accept the fact that you have every right to ask where he was (where he is going, with whom, and so on), and he will have to understand that you need time to recover faith in him.
9. Forgive him — and yourself
In any case, you decide to stay together or break up is a very important step. First, sorry that this does not mean that you approve of his behavior. It suggests that you survived the incident and is ready to move on, once again learning to be happy.
But more importantly, to learn again to believe in yourself. Otherwise it will be very difficult to let go and live life as if nothing had happened: you will be paranoid wary of anyone who will be your second half, and that’s nothing to you.