Comedian Nikki Glasser explains why a good fight better than a bad world and how they are with each other I learnt to Express to each other their “Fi!”
My MCH is not strong in quarrels. But we’re getting better than in the beginning — three years and two breakups ago. We have both gone to this natural talent. I’d like to fight like real rock stars. I would have screamed and slammed the door, maybe threw a couple vases. And then jumped on his motorcycle and wrote a song about it. I don’t do this for two reasons: 1) this behavior seems eccentric, offensive and fraught with open confrontation; 2) I only have one vase.
I was always afraid of confrontation. My therapist says it comes from my fear of loneliness (it is easier to write than it is to admit: “I’m afraid of loneliness.”).
By my logic, if I get angry at your boyfriend, he can say, “Well, what I do and do not intend to stop doing, does it make you angry that we are not on the way. Goodbye!” And then he leaves. Forever.
Gradually I gained enough confidence in ourselves and in our relationship to tell him immediately (or almost immediately) that he needs to apologize for saying that I look like Brett Butler from “grace on fire” (well, similar). Before I would have said nothing, telling myself that I don’t care, and then would have posted a podcast and threw it all that I think. Or particularly badly, I would have rushed to the other extreme and start be all over him. The point of this technique is that the more I love, the less will be angry with him!
Our relationship was not going to favor the fact that he is so ugly he could Express his anger towards me. He does not go to a therapist who could say it to him, so I’ll do it here and now. I hope he won’t mind. And if so, I’m sure he will tell me as soon as I read it. But in the past, until I ranted about it on the podcast or wrote him a sentimental message, when really I wanted him to bite, he used other tactics to cope with the heavy feeling that I had caused. This tactic is called a silence.
Silence was his weapon of choice. Doesn’t sound so scary. Even the name of the Spa treatments.
— Don’t want today to add some silence to your massage
— Oh, what’s this?
Well, for an additional $ 60 at the end of the session your therapist Julio will climb on the table, lie back to you and begins to rummage through his phone, occasionally sighing loud enough to let you know that he’s not sleeping and just choose not to talk. And this will continue for 20 minutes or until then, until you pay and will not fall asleep.
I used to think that keeping silent is something from the repertoire of Housewives in the comedies of the 1980-ies, and it turned out that modern men have become skilled.
If you have experienced it for yourself, you understand how awful it is. In fact, this is a textbook form of emotional abuse. The point is that this is not a complete silence. That’s what they’re doing. In the long hours you hear from him only monosyllabic answers. In the end you do not stand up and ask:
— Why are you not talking to me?
— I’m talking to.
— You haven’t said a word to me all day.
— I’m talking to you now.
It’s like living with a Ghost, which you do not want (I think most ghosts are not fans of this case.). And if you feel like it is struggling not apply to you.
I wish there was a help Center ignored women. A place where I could go, when he defiantly silent. I could run over there on my Toyota while he watches “the Walking dead” and pretends not to notice me. I would come to this center, where good women will meet me with open arms and listen to. They would have healed my wounds from the silence by listening. I’d be looking for excuses for him.
“Maybe he had laryngitis! — shouted to me. What if he’s a MIME, and I just still do not know?” I would not believe that I am safe here. “What if he finds me?”
“You are not looking — they would have calmed me. — He doesn’t want to talk right now”.
Fortunately, I no longer need this imaginary refuge. My boyfriend finally learns to accept confrontation as something that can help our pair. And in those times when we still too scared to directly say that we are not satisfied, don’t go back to his improper habits. We eat. We eat so much that by the time when it is time to put up, is that we have too much stuffed for make-up sex. Instead we lie in bed, backs to each other, digging in the phone and sigh loudly together, as befits a pair.